[Destitute Genius]
With a dash of cunning!Imitation of Strife.
2007-05-23
For the past couple of years, I'm had a monopoly on bitterness, despair and morbidness all served with a whip of the acid tongue. People were either instantly turned off, or they were at least amused by it. The people turned off, I thought, Fuck them, I don't need them if they don't get me. The amused ones stayed. I love audiences.
When boys didn't like me, I blamed myself. Tormented myself for not being good looking enough, not being charming enough, etc. I had my heart broken 2 years ago. I wallowed in that for the past two years. Wallowed in him, thinking, at the age of 20, that no one would ever compare to him. Whatever I couldn't blame on him, I blamed on my parents. Sure, I was ugly and un-charming, but the bitterness and shit, their fault.
And I think I'm so over it now.
I think.
I've met guys who excel in everything Jupiter could have or would have been. Things didn't work out, but oh fucking well. At least I know now that I can still have the hope that people do in fact compare to what he was. That I can still find it in myself to reach out like I did to him. Good. Lesson Learned. I'm mending all the damage from that now.
And My parents? People fuck up. If they are good people, they keep going. My parents are good people.
And I've really stopped loathing myself. I can't see why I should anymore. I still don't know why I ever started in the first place. I thought it made me unique.
Well, fuck bitches, I be as unique as I want to be and I should be happy about that shit, not despair over it.
And if someone doesn't want me, Oh well. Somebody will one day. Life moves on, and so do I. I'm so over hating myself and life. It distracts from anything and everything that can make it enjoyable.
As I begin to wipe away all that bitterness, despair, and negative shit, I see something beautiful underneath.
And I like what I see.
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